When I was 17, I was diagnosed with acute non-convoluted precursor b-cell lymphoblastic lymphoma. There were very few documented cases of this type of lymphoma and no established treatment for it. The disease was in Stage IV by the time it was diagnosed correctly. The oncologist who planned out the regimen decided to include all of the chemotherapy drugs that had been used in patients who had survived or shown some improvement from the treatment. Most cancer patients who are prescribed chemotherapy are given cycles that rotate 2 or 3 different drugs over a period of a few weeks or months. The experimental treatment that my doctor developed called for an initial blast of 9 drugs given consecutively, followed by 11 months of 6 drugs administered in cycles. It seemed that if the cancer didn't kill me, the chemo would do the job.
In 1995, chemo treatment was a little different from what it has become now. At the time, it was unknown if some of the drugs even had any effect on cancer cells, but when combined with certain other drugs they often did reduce the regions where cancer cells were found. The unofficial term for the effects of these drugs was "bleaching". They would wipe out the good and bad cells alike. One of these drugs (still in use today) is called Methotrexate. I was given a lethal dose of Methotrexate via IV over a period of several hours. Once the dose was finished, blood would be drawn every few hours around the clock to see how low my white cell count had dropped. Once it reached a critical level, a process called the "leucovorin rescue" would begin. A highly-concentrated dose of leucovorin would be administered to rapidly neutralize the Methotrexate and stop the destruction of white cells. By the end of this procedure, I had mouth sores and ulcerations, abdominal pain, nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness, and a generally not-so-great feeling. This fun process was repeated 6 times over 11 months.
You might say that's really enough for one person, but no: when I was 10, a water moccasin bit me. Aside from two puncture wounds, I was fine. A herpetologist who was a friend of my family said that maybe the snake's venom glands hadn't fully developed. Since then, I've been electrocuted, shot at, and I even ate at a White Castle once. I have a tendency to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and when things go bad, I inadvertently make them worse. If there's one thing I've learned about myself, it's that I'm resilient.
These are all things that I don't like to talk about. It's tough to even put this on my blog, but I thought that maybe somehow some good can come of it. The thing that really bothers me is that when I do mention any of these hardships to someone, the response I frequently hear is something like this: "Oh wow, God must really have great plans for you." Plans that apparently include not dying anytime soon.
I've often thought (mistakenly) that the hardships and trials that God chooses for us to go through will be balanced out by some equally fantastic ministry or some great reward here on earth. So many times I've been told that God must be allowing me to go through these things to prepare me for something spectacular. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am not too spectacular. My contributions to the world don't add up to much and are largely unseen. Does that make them less important? No.
Sometimes God allows us to go through troubles to teach humility, to strengthen our trust in Him, and to teach us that everything happens in His timing. God is not under any obligation to tell us why we go through the things that we do. Even though we may never see the good things come from the hardships we face, we have to trust that His plan for us is perfect. In a cynical, Godless society it's not easy to have a childlike faith. Everything about our faith is under scrutiny and our reasoning is constantly questioned. It's important to remember that we are just sinners saved by grace and that our reward is not here on earth. We must store up our reward in heaven and persevere through the troubles here on earth.
Here's a great verse that has always been an encouragement to me: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." – Romans 8:28
I don't know what God has planned for me or anyone else and I certainly don't pretend to have all the answers. There's a lot of ups and downs in life, but God has given us a purpose and we know that He has a reason for everything.
