Wasteland Survival Guide

Like everyone else, I have been stocking up on canned goods, twinkies (because they can stay fresh for centuries), and firearms as I prepare for the coming apocalypse. When civilization comes crashing down and the world as we know it turns inside out on 12/21/12, I want to be ready. It would be foolish to stand by and do nothing to prepare for the worst, especially since an ancient tribe of people from nearly two-thousand years ago ran out of steam when putting together calendars for the future and called the project quits when they reached 12/21/12. Of course this is an accurate prediction of the end of the world, a person would have to be nuts to think otherwise. To ignore this obvious warning sign would be crazy. CRAZY, I TELL YOU!

In preparation for that Friday morning, I have put together a list of things that I will do to ensure the survival of my family (and anyone who stumbles into one of our hidden pitfalls that we've set up around our yard... er, I've already said too much). On that fateful day when the internet becomes nothing more than folklore and everyone is left staring at their iPhones in disbelief, I will be busy ransacking Cedar Rapids. Here is my plan:

1. My first stop will be at HyVee. No more helpful smiles in the aisles on this day! I will load up on all the food I can fit into my HEMTT A3, a handy-dandy rig that will be easy to pick up from the local National Guard base amidst all the confusion. I will also acquire a substantial supply of Dr. Pepper from HyVee. Why? Just because.
2. After I have left HyVee in smoldering ruins, I will proceed north to Guitar Center. Once I have completed a few laps around the parking lot crushing parked cars (there's no way you could drive one of those things around and not crush stuff), I will stop in and gather up a few guitars and amps to keep up our spirits during the long days to come without Facebook or Netflix. The rig should easily accommodate 20 or 30 guitars with room to spare, so I will strap them down carefully before moving on.
3. Where can you find all of your apocalypse survival needs? At the Home Depot of course, and on this particular Friday they will be running the sale to beat all sales: a first-come, first-serve, five-finger discount sale! I'll make my way across the parking lot from Guitar Center, leaving a trail of crushed Fords and Chevys in my wake. This is where I will acquire a couple generators to power the guitar amps... and our household appliances, too.
4. Next up, I will swing through Lowe's to pick up several chest freezers and their largest charcoal grill along with a smoker. We'll be grilling out for a year after cleaning out HyVee's meat department.

I'll head back home and – as long as Cedar Rapids doesn't burn up or get destroyed by a meteorite – spend the following months sitting out in the yard taking it easy, grilling and shooting stray cats. This end-of-the-world situation doesn't seem so bad after all. I'm looking forward to it!