Wasteland Survival Guide

Like everyone else, I have been stocking up on canned goods, twinkies (because they can stay fresh for centuries), and firearms as I prepare for the coming apocalypse. When civilization comes crashing down and the world as we know it turns inside out on 12/21/12, I want to be ready. It would be foolish to stand by and do nothing to prepare for the worst, especially since an ancient tribe of people from nearly two-thousand years ago ran out of steam when putting together calendars for the future and called the project quits when they reached 12/21/12. Of course this is an accurate prediction of the end of the world, a person would have to be nuts to think otherwise. To ignore this obvious warning sign would be crazy. CRAZY, I TELL YOU!

In preparation for that Friday morning, I have put together a list of things that I will do to ensure the survival of my family (and anyone who stumbles into one of our hidden pitfalls that we've set up around our yard... er, I've already said too much). On that fateful day when the internet becomes nothing more than folklore and everyone is left staring at their iPhones in disbelief, I will be busy ransacking Cedar Rapids. Here is my plan:

1. My first stop will be at HyVee. No more helpful smiles in the aisles on this day! I will load up on all the food I can fit into my HEMTT A3, a handy-dandy rig that will be easy to pick up from the local National Guard base amidst all the confusion. I will also acquire a substantial supply of Dr. Pepper from HyVee. Why? Just because.
2. After I have left HyVee in smoldering ruins, I will proceed north to Guitar Center. Once I have completed a few laps around the parking lot crushing parked cars (there's no way you could drive one of those things around and not crush stuff), I will stop in and gather up a few guitars and amps to keep up our spirits during the long days to come without Facebook or Netflix. The rig should easily accommodate 20 or 30 guitars with room to spare, so I will strap them down carefully before moving on.
3. Where can you find all of your apocalypse survival needs? At the Home Depot of course, and on this particular Friday they will be running the sale to beat all sales: a first-come, first-serve, five-finger discount sale! I'll make my way across the parking lot from Guitar Center, leaving a trail of crushed Fords and Chevys in my wake. This is where I will acquire a couple generators to power the guitar amps... and our household appliances, too.
4. Next up, I will swing through Lowe's to pick up several chest freezers and their largest charcoal grill along with a smoker. We'll be grilling out for a year after cleaning out HyVee's meat department.

I'll head back home and – as long as Cedar Rapids doesn't burn up or get destroyed by a meteorite – spend the following months sitting out in the yard taking it easy, grilling and shooting stray cats. This end-of-the-world situation doesn't seem so bad after all. I'm looking forward to it!

The cicada zombie apocalypse

As I sat in a friend's backyard one night, I noticed a few blades of grass moving nearby. Taking a closer look, I discovered that it was a large cicada crawling up out of the ground. It was slowly stretching its legs and beginning to move above ground for the first time after spending many years underground. Its front legs flailed around clumsily as it tried to grasp the next blade of grass to continue its ascent upward. For a harmless bug, they sure are evil, primordial-looking things.

Some movement in the grass a foot away caught my eye and I saw a second cicada begin climbing up out of the ground. What are the odds of seeing two of them coming up out of the ground at the same time like that?! I sat back down on the lawn chair and then noticed that there was all kinds of movement throughout the yard. I started looking around and that's when I realized that the entire yard was dotted by an army of cicadas all coming up out of the ground at once! They didn't make a sound, but continued to slowly and purposefully crawl upwards, intent on reaching a destination that had taken them years of preparation.

I moved my foot and noticed one scrabbling up from the ground next to my shoe. They were everywhere! They were like hordes of prehistoric creatures that had finally begun their invasion; their vacant, staring eyes looking skyward as they crept along.

I got up and took off out of that yard. Not that I was scared of a bunch of harmless bugs, I just had better things to do. Their malevolent, staring gaze burning in my mind. I mean, what can a little bug do to a person? Swarms of them descending. They probably don't even know I'm there. Thousands of tiny, razor-sharp mandibles greedily tearing into flesh. It's not like they care about people anyway, they're just trying to reach the trees. The whir of wings. Blinding pain and screams of agony. If I leave them alone, they'll leave me alone. A silent yard littered with carcasses picked clean by the swarms. The metallic scent of blood in the air.


OK, now that's just ridiculous. But you have to admit they are creepy-looking. To me, they always signal the beginning of the end of summer. They remind me that summer won't last forever and I better make the most of it.